Ask Emma

Q: I have a good friend who has unexpectedly and suddenly found herself single again. She is very beautiful and intelligent, and is therefore not accustomed to being unattached. I love love and I love being in love, and have been, in one way or another, for most of my adult life, but I also feel very strongly that the best thing a woman can do for herself is to learn how to be alone. I think my friend is afraid to be alone, but I think she NEEDS to be alone. On the other hand, I have noticed that she is very unhappy when she is single, and when she is dating or attached, she is suddenly herself again. Are there people in the world who should just NOT be single, or is she stuck in a cycle of dating and depression from which she could possibly escape, the way some people wean themselves off of drugs? I do not think she will have any trouble finding "a replacement," so that is not the problem. Maybe it is just the case that some people are not meant to be single? In that case, are there just some people who are not meant to be in love? And what should I advise my friend, or do I not have to advise her at all?
A: No matter how hard we try to learn to be alone, we are social animals, and feel the happiest when happily attached. This goes for both men and women. To be the best we can we need an appreciative audience, even if it’s an audience of one. The benefits of being in a relationship are too many to mention, while maintaining a relationship is a full-time job, and not all of us have the stamina to do that. When a woman finds herself single again, there is always just a tad of her own mismanagement, besides the fact that plenty of men refuse to invest enough labor in their love lives. Unfortunately, like a sugar cube that melts in your coffee, love quickly dissolves if not being saved. The silver lining is that as teachable animals, we can learn from our misfortunes. Every broken relationship adds to our experience, all we have to do is become wiser and use it next time. If your good friend will spend some painful lonely hours contemplating her relationship management skills, and how she can improve them next time around, it might let her avoid her past mistakes. It helps to remember that our partners want our love, support, forgiveness, and attention as much as we want theirs. It also helps to remember that we all want to be trusted and need our own space (yes, yes, to be alone once in a while). With that said, advise your friend to never stop seeking love--the only thing worth living for. It is up to her to make her next relationship work better than the last one.