Ask Emma

Q: I have two teenage daughters. I raised them the way I was raised myself, as respectful and obedient to their parents. However, since my older daughter started dating a boy from her school, she changed completely and became a different and very unpleasant person. She spends so much time with the guy that her homework is never done. When I told her that I disapprove of her date, she told me that she’s in love, and I just have to live with it. Surprised at her rudeness I said, “What does a seventeen-year-old know about love?” And she answered, ”What does a flabby forty-something know about love?” It all happened in front of my younger daughter, which makes me feel even more insulted. How can I get her back in line?
A: It seems you’ve spent many happy years raising your daughters in a state of ignorant bliss. You thought they were respectful and obedient while probably they were merely too intimidated to express their disagreement with you. When your older daughter started dating a boy, she finally felt like a complete person, whose opinion mattered. This is a powerful feeling that can make a timid person talk back. If you don’t want to worsen the situation try not to question her feelings and blatantly disapprove. The best you can do is to try to win her over. Have a sincere and respectful talk with her about young love, old love, childbearing and rearing and everything you can share as an older and more experienced person. But first, please listen to what she has to say. You’ll be surprised how little you knew about your own daughter. When your understanding is established, make her apologize for that “flabby” thing. You don’t deserve to be teased. Nobody does. As for your younger daughter, now you have time to develop the perfect relationship with her. Don’t let it slip by.