Ask Emma

Question: I am a retired single woman. I am doing very well for my age, or so they say. I live in my own home, take care of myself and my two cats, and when I need help around the house or garden I hire people to do the job. My dear old friends are always there for me, so I don’t feel lonely. The problem is my niece who lives nearby. She is my only relative, and I love her to death. Fearing to become a burden, I never ask her for anything. As I said, I prefer hired help. I am afraid that my upbeat attitude made her believe I’m invincible. She comes over a couple times a week to have a casual lunch with me and to cut some flowers from my garden to take home, but she never offers help with shopping or house chores. On weekends, she often brings her husband and her two boys to dinner, but she never offers any help with preparing it or doing the dishes. When I expect her family over, I order catering and pay every time. The following day, I have to pay a cleaning person. Lately, my niece started to ask me to babysit her children almost every weekend. She brings the boys to my home, and leaves them overnight. Sometimes I feel this is too much for me, but I don’t want to say anything. I love her, I want her to visit as often as possible, and I prefer to go through all this to keep her coming over. How can I make it easier on myself?
Answer: At some point you’ll have to speak up, and the earlier you do it the better. If your niece is a kind and understanding relative who cherishes your love and friendship, she won’t get mad if you’ll have a friendly talk with her. She can’t read your mind, so tell her plain and simple that your darling grand nephews will be better off with a hired sitter, since it’s too tiresome for you to watch them overnight. Also, ask her to bring a salad or an entree for dinner or to stay for a chat and a shot of liquor after she’d be done with the dishes. Offer a weekend morning garden activity for her whole family so her boys will have fun with gardening and cut some flowers as a reward to take home. If there is a chore that requires physical strength, ask your niece for her husband’s assistance. They might find it surprisingly refreshing to be of help and you will feel loved in return for all your graciousness. Swallow your pride and ask for help if you need it. Most people prefer to be asked and are happy to oblige. Harboring negative thoughts and fears in silence won’t help your situation, plus your servilitude calls for abuse. Only you can change it.