Ask Emma

Question: I usually don’t lend money to friends because I know that people who do that can lose both their money and their friends. Until now, it was easy to avoid any uncomfortable situations, but this time a person who asks for money is an old acquaintance. We share a good relationship and many mutual friends, and I don’t feel comfortable just saying no. I do have the sum of money he needs, and he knows that. Today, I can lend him this money, but should he delay his payback, I might find myself in a hardship. It’s not like I’m very stable financially on a long run. He promises to return everything on time and with interest, but I still can’t decide what would be the right thing to do. He says he turned to me because I am the kindest and most compassionate person he knows, and should I refuse to help, he has no one else to go to. I do feel for him, but something stops me from giving away my savings. I don’t want to ask our mutual friends for advice, and I don’t want to show lack of trust – I have no reason for that. Don’t want to offend him, but when I think that I might find myself in his situation one day, I feel scared. What can I do to help him and remain friends and at the same time not to hurt myself?
Answer: If your own financial situation doesn’t allow you to help a friend and face the risk of not being paid back on time or losing your money altogether, then unfortunately, you are not the right person to solve other people’s money problems. Your friend is either in a very desperate situation right now, or he just knows you have some means at the moment and thinks he needs to take advantage of this fact. If it’s the former, perhaps, a smaller amount of money you would be comfortable to part with might help. If it’s the latter, you already know that you shouldn’t give him anything, and shouldn’t feel bad about saying no. Since both of you have many mutual friends, in his hardship it probably would be reasonable to ask each of them for a mini loan. This way, your friend can get the amount he needs without imposing too heavy a burden on anybody. It seems that he chose you, the kindest person he knows, to take on the burden of his hardship and carry it alone. You should know better what reasons he had for that, but the moment your money would change hands you would start thinking where would he get this amount to return to you on time, and then what you fear most might actually happen – you might lose both your money and your friend.